


Something I Can Never Have

by CruelKittenThesis



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Boys Love (Hatoful Kareshi), Bad Boys Love Spoilers (Hatoful Kareshi), Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Masturbation, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Step-Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-01 10:42:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13996563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CruelKittenThesis/pseuds/CruelKittenThesis
Summary: Hitori struggles with his growing attraction to his brother, on the night before Nageki leaves for school. Written for  friend and posted with permission.





	Something I Can Never Have

**Author's Note:**

> I took the fic title from the Nine Inch Nails song of the same name, which I listened to while writing this.

Hitori was the picture of a reliable young man. He was clean, kind, and dependable, the wonderful big brother of a touching, made for tv movie, lovingly raising the innocent orphans. Or, at least, he had been, until that awful day, where everything was torn apart, in a storm of bullets, leaving a rain of blood, and a hail of mangled flesh. 

Maybe it was then that Nageki had become something different, something more special. Though, if Hitori was being honest with himself, Nageki has always been different, always special. It was just, after that moment, after pulling his younger brother's shaking, sobbing body out of the closet, pulling him through the wreckage, the tragedy, that his favorite person, the one he could always trust, that he loved most of all, became his only one. In a flash of pain and horror, Nageki had been transformed from the most important person in Hitori's life, to the only person in his life, became his whole world. 

From then on, everything started to become muddled. Everything started to become wrong, like a tree growing with a rotten core. Hitori had always doted on Nageki, always thought of him as sweet and perfect, a precious jewel, but now, he noticed how he had matured. His dark eyes would spent longer than necessary glancing over the sharp curve of his shoulder, or the bit of milky skin of Nageki's stomach that would be exposed as his shirt creeped up, whenever he reaches up to grab a glass out of the cabinet. 

Was it simply because Nageki was mature now, no longer a child, the bloodbath a rebirth into adulthood? Regardless, sometimes Nageki would catch him watching him, his soft eyes like orange lillies, wide in confusion. Neither of them mentioned it, acknowledged it, but it hung in the air, heavy and sticky-sweet, like a drop of red dye in white frosting, forever changing and tainting the color. 

Hitori shook his head, as if to ward away the impure desires, as he helped Nageki pack the last of his things into a suitcase. Soon, Nageki would leave, go to a school where he would make friends, and get better. Hitori was delighted, because, despite everything, he loved his younger brother more than anything in the world. The too-whiteness of Nageki's skin would return to a healthy, warm peach, like how it was when he was young, then he and Hitori would live together again, happy, forever. 

“Hitori?” Nageki tilted his head, “Would you like some iced tea? I'm pretty thirsty, so I was going to grab some.” 

“Ah!” Hitori jumped up at the notion, “I'll grab it! I should have asked if you were thirsty, anyway!”

Nageki sighed, “I'm not a child, you know. I can get my own drink.” 

Hitori reluctantly let Nageki fetch them both a cup of tea. He felt sad even watching him leave the bedroom, and briefly wondered if he would even be able to stand him being gone at school. It wasn't long before Nageki returned, however, holding matching glasses. Each glass was clear, and adorned with a pattern of little yellow chicks running around the rim.

“Thank you,” Hitori took his glass, “Are you hungry?”

Nageki shook his head, “I'm still full from lunch. Are you hungry?”

“Not really,” Hitori half-lied. He wasn't very hungry, but he wanted to cook a special dinner, since Nageki was leaving tomorrow. 

“Then let's skip it,” Nageki said as he stood up, “I'll be taking my bath, now.”

Hitori took a sip of tea, as he watched Nageki leave the room. It was cold, and somewhat bitter, which normally he enjoyed, but today it felt off. Neither of the pair had a particular sweet tooth, but today, Hitori wished he had something sweet and comforting, like a nice mug of hot chocolate topped with happy marshmallows.

Nageki return, half an hour later, clad in power blue pajamas, his hair emerald green from being damp. His skin looked soft, rejuvenated by the cleansing bath water. He yawned, then stumbled forward. With a gasp, he held out a white hand, and grabbed at the doorway before he could fall to the ground.

“Nageki!” Hitori jumped up, and sprinted to his brother. He grabbed his slender arm, “Let me help you!”

“I'm alright,” Nageki frowned, “I can walk just fine, I'm just a little tired.”

“If you're sure,” Hitori mumbled, reluctantly letting Nageki go. He watched, sadly, as he pulled back the covers and climbed into his bed.

“You know,” Nageki's voice was soft and feather light, “I don't have to leave, if you don't want. I'm not very useful, but, I'm not sure what good going to school will be.”

Hitori walked over to the bed and sat down. He took his brother's hand, and laced his small, white fingers, with his own long, darker ones, “You already know, I can't teach you everything. And this will give you an experience, where you can make friends, and learn everything about the world that I can't teach you. Plus, they're working on a cure! You might be able to get totally better!” As much as it pained Hitori to let him go, he was well aware, people cannot live in isolation. People, like rabbits, need companionship. Even if they're well fed, rabbits, without warm touch, or love, will become depressed and die from loneliness. People are no better, they need love like flowers need the sun. 

Nageki gave Hitori a small, soft, and warm, like handmade blanket, filling his brother with a loving warmth, “Thank you.”

Hitori began to untangle their hands when, Nageki suddenly squeezed his hand, “Uh, Hitori, if you want,” he paused, trying to find the words, “If you want, well, I would really like it is you slept with me, like we used to when we were younger, since it will be a long time until we can see each other again.” 

Nageki rolled over, so that his face was covered by his pillow, leaving an expressionless mess of green hair for Hitori to gaze at. “ I Would love to,” Hitori admitted, his own face feeling flushed, “I'll just go change, and come back.”

Hitori went into the bathroom, and splashed cold water on his face, like a holy spell, washing away the impure thoughts, like invisible dust. He wanted to cry, he didn't know what to do without Nageki, and the thought of him gone was almost unbearable, like a knife in his chest, carving out his heart, filled with love. 

Still, he knew it was for the best, and took a breath. He pulled on his own dark gray pajamas, and made his way back to the bedroom. Nageki was laying on his side when he crept up to the bed. His large eyes were shut, but Hitori knew him well enough to know he wasn't asleep. Still, he carefully he moved, though, a little awkwardly, behind his brother. 

Nageki shifted his body slightly, allowing Hitori to wrap his arms around him. For a brief moment, Hitori remembered when they were young, how tiny Nageki had seemed, then, and then of warm of many little arms and legs, of all the tiny siblings that would clamber together, like eager puppies, seeking love and comfort. Even though they couldn't all comfortably fit on one bed, it didn't matter, because they were all together, a wonderful family. 

Nageki was bigger now, but, not big enough. He was too thin, and his skin too white. He was like paper, easily torn or damaged. Still, he was gorgeous, with his lithe body, striking green hair, and bright, thoughtful eyes, that always shown with intelligence. 

Hitori shut his eyes, and breathed in his scent, which was faint, but sweet, almost floral. He was more alluring than even the prettiest flower. Hitori's own body shivered, not from cold, but from the warmth of Nageki's body pressed against his. 

Hitori could feel Nageki drifting into sleep, his normally tensed limbs becoming relaxed. Even though, he couldn't see his face, he pictured him smiling peacefully, and it made him smile, himself. He loved Nageki so much, that even this space between them felt too far, the terrible separation caused by skin and clothes. How nice it would be, to be able to be one being, never separated. 

His dark eyes opened, with the horrible realization, and guilt. His body began to sweat, and he swallowed, tasting bitterness. Nageki, now sleeping, mumbled something unintelligible. He sounded cheerful, more relaxed. Hitori shamefully hoped it was because of him, because of his presence.

A slender leg moved in its owner's sleep, and it rubbed, hard, against Hitori's thigh. His breath sucked quickly in, as sharp sparks flew, heated and terrible, in the lower part of his stomach. He was hard, disturbing and rotten. He had been pure, good, dependable, before. Why had his feelings changed in this way, like sweet milk, gone sour?

He hissed, his body aching, begging for damnation, and he stared at the ceiling. The clock on the wall ticked gently. After what seemed like hours, he slowly worked his arms and legs out from under his sleeping brother, his own movements softer than feathers.

Hitori made his way into the bathroom, his dark hair soaked with sweat. He plopped onto the rim of tub. He did not bother to turn on the light, letting his pajama pants fall down to his ankles, exposing his shame. He couldn't even look at his own erection, as he reached down, and stoked himself. 

It felt amazing and awful, as pleasures images of Nageki fluttered through his mind. He wanted to hold him in his arms, to litter his face with kisses. He never wanted to let him go. He moaned, picturing Nageki, soft and warm, laughing in his arms. 

Guilt seeped into his mind, as precum began to drip through his fingers, covering everything with a slick layer of liquid. He was unable to picture anything truly vulgar, because, Nageki was too perfect, too pure. He was like an ethereal being to be worshiped, not defiled. But, even so, Hitori wanted to monopolize him, the thought of him laughing in someone else's arms made his stomach twist and his heart ache.   
He came, with a weak gasp, the evidence of his own awful thoughts sticking to his fingers. With a heavy sigh, he stood up, feeling weak from his orgasm. He pulled up his pants with his clean hand, and clumsily walked to the sink.

Hitori turned on the faucet, and let the steaming water wash away the sinful white. He sighed, splashing water on his face, washing away the fantasies, like he did the semen. 

Suddenly, there was a click, a soft knock on the door, and Hitori's entire stiffened. “Hitori?” Nageki's muffled voiced asked from the other side, “Are you in there?”

After a pause, Hitori reluctantly answered, staring at the ground, “Yeah, I just needed to wash my face.” He hoped Nageki couldn't smell the slightly salty scent in the air. 

Nageki opened the door, ignoring how that response didn't make sense, “Are you ok?” His slightly too large pajamas made him seem even smaller than he was, and the pale light made him seem even whiter. He looked, in that moment, even younger and more fragile than he was. Except, of course, his eyes, always intelligent, burning with more knowledge than most adults, and knowing things that even adults are better off not knowing. 

Hitori gave his brother a soft smile, “I'm fine. I'm just,” He paused for a moment, “Well, honestly, I'm going to miss you so much. I'm extremely happy, and excited for you, and I'm still going to miss you like crazy.”

Nageki smiled back, all soft love and warmth, like a cup of honey tea, “I know. I'm going to miss you, too, even though I'm also excited to go.” He walked forward, and wrapped his arms his older brother. The hug was innocent, sweet, and all their worries melted away with its heat, “I love you, Hitori.”

Hitori kissed the top of his head, smiling, “I love you, too.” Everything was going to be good, soon. They were both going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, feel free to contact me on Twitter (lilithkitty) or tumblr (Sakurazuka-Subaru)


End file.
